I’ve noticed that I talk a lot. About virtually anything I can. Anything that has happened in my day, or that I dreamt about, or that I thought about, and I will tell anyone who will listen.
I often wonder why this is. When I’m alone I think about how I don’t really want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to let people in and let people know me, but then I let that exact thing happen. I let in strangers, and yet I am usually so silent around those who know me best; my friends and family.
Am I a narcissist that just wants to hear my own voice? Do I have an incessive need to be the center of attention? Do I think my thoughts, experiences and opinions are so important that they must be shared with everyone?
No. I don’t think it’s any of those reasons. I think I don’t really want to talk to people and that is why I do.
If I talk to people, if I always have something to interject, maybe they will think I care about the topic and choose to open up to me the way I do with others. If I talk to people they will think I am happy, they won’t know I am struggling sometimes with my own demons and didn’t even want to get out of bed this morning, or that I have to Google what they are talking about so I can say something intelligent and not feel like an idiot for having no idea what the topic is when so many people clearly know what it is about.
Maybe that’s why I chose the career I did in Massage Therapy. I get to be one on one with so many people and learn so many things, but I also don’t have to say a word for a whole hour if I didn’t want to or if they didn’t want me to.
I have come across many people that I think suffer from this same affliction, some speak like I do and some yell so that they are sure to be heard, and I’m sure you the reader will also have come across these people or know someone like that right now. Remember they will probably go home and wonder why they are the way they are, and they will be embarrassed, but they won’t change. Because it is more embarrassing to admit maybe you’re initiating your behaviour as a defence mechanism for something deeper, which would be admitting you may have a problem and potentially come across to not as strong as you have perceived.
You will lead a lonely, empty, half-life if you don’t accept your possible flaws and work on them. You should always be working towards the best possible you.